Relationship deal - breakers: Have you identified yours?

by Shalini

You are back on the dating scene! Good for you! You have probably taken some time to introspect on your past relationships and made a mental image of the kind of person you would like to have as a partner. You may have created a list of qualities or traits that you are looking for with regard to physical attributes, temperament, nature, interests and their approach to life. This is a good way to help you filter potential matches. If you are serious about getting into a long-term commitment with someone you may tend to focus on these positive traits in the early stages of a new relationship. This is a normal tendency but it does lead to confirmation bias. We tend to look for behaviors that confirm the positive qualities we seek, to ensure that the other person has them. Since all our attention is focused on confirming the positive traits, we tend to neglect paying attention to some negative traits that may reveal themselves and cause problems later.

We at andwemet think it is extremely important that you also create a list of your specific deal-breakers so you can protect yourself from disappointment and heartache later on.

Relationship deal- breakers are unique to each of us but there are some common ones that can be used. Experts advise to look out for certain behaviors in the first few months of dating someone new that can be potential red flags and should be considered as relationship deal breakers. We have compiled a list of the top deal breakers that you should use.

1. Dishonesty & unfaithfulness - If you find that the person you are dating has a tendency to color or adjust the truth to suit their convenience or outright lies to others, this is a deal breaker. If they can lie to others, they can lie to you. About anything. If you observe or find out that your partner has been unfaithful in previous relationships, do not delude yourself that things will be different with you. They won’t.
2. Unhealthy lifestyle & substance dependence - An unhealthy lifestyle in terms of diet, no form of exercise or unusual sleep cycles is a deal breaker. This is a sign that the person has little or no respect for their own health and will not respect yours either. They may ask you to indulge in similar behavior which is harmful for you, to feel better about themselves. Any sign of heavy use of any intoxicating substance should be a huge deal breaker. This can easily slip into full blown addiction and being in a relationship with an addict is one of the most damaging experiences, mentally and emotionally, that one can go through.
3. Fighting dirty - During a disagreement any name calling, humiliating you in private or public and cursing are all signs of anger management issues. This is a deal breaker because this behavior can affect your self-esteem and have implications on your emotional well-being in the long run.
4. Abusive behavior - If you experience or witness any sign of abuse from your partner, in any form, it is a deal breaker. This is a no brainer. Your safety and well-being should always be your priority in a relationship or otherwise. Sometimes it is difficult to identify a behavior as abusive. Listen to your gut, it will let you know that something is not right. Do not demand an explanation, understand that the other person needs help and that it is not your job to fix them.
5. No vision or ambition - If the person you are dating appears to lack ambition or has no vision for the future it should be a deal breaker. This trait indicates that either the person is content to be where they are and may not want to move forward with you or that they are lazy and you will have to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship in the future.
6. Position on Parenthood - After a certain age, people are generally clear about whether they want to have children or not. If their stand is opposite to yours then this a deal breaker. It is unfair to commit to the person and then try to convince them to change their mind on this later in the relationship. It can lead to relationship challenges that cannot be overcome.
7. Not having the same values - If you both do not share the same life values; it is a deal breaker. This difference can lead to clashes when handling future challenges in the relationship that need to be faced together. Such clashes can escalate and result in an ugly break up.
8. Being dismissive or ignoring your issues - In the relationship, your thoughts, ideas and feelings are equal in importance to your partner’s. If you find that the person you are dating tends to dismiss your feelings or ignores any issues that you bring up, it is a deal breaker. If they do not care about your feelings in the beginning and you stay, you have given them permission to continue that behavior in the future.

We would like to emphasize how critical it is to decide on and stick to your relationship deal breakers. Research shows that for many of us, what we think or say we want doesn’t always align with what we choose. Sometimes the need to be in a long-term relationship can make us give concessions to deal breaking behaviors. Not respecting and acting on your deal breakers can lead to much larger issues later on. So, please take the time to identify yours and abide by them for all your future relationships.