Letting Go is easy or tough? The answer is on the best dating site andwemet

by  Pallavi Preetinanda

It made a monumental difference once I practiced letting go.

But the big question is how do you let go?

By choosing myself again and again and again even when it made my heart ache endlessly.

I have been single for quite sometime now. I have also restricted my inner friend circle to very few people now, and all of them are people who respect my boundaries and I respect theirs.

But that wasn’t always the case. I have had blurred boundaries all my life, hence I have not respected other people’s boundaries as well, and that is exactly why, most relationships and friendships that I entered into, often ended on a sour note, because even though I loved them, I would readily let them overstep my boundaries, and I would intrude into their space as well, projecting all my expectations from life onto them, giving them the charge of my happiness. And that is a terribly unfair thing to impose upon someone.

Every relationship I got into, was intense, high on emotions, passionate, and quickly descended to unhealthy patterns. I structured my life around a single person, ready to uproot my career, my life, my dreams, my desires for them. I didn't exist as a separate entity. I lived as the shadow of the person I loved.

And each one of the relationships, be it a romantic one, or be it a platonic friendship, ended in disaster, because I gave myself away, and I expected the other person to reciprocate in the same way, and when they didn't, I got disappointed and frustrated with life.

And rejection? Oh my God, don’t even get me started.

Ever heard of “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”?

Well, I was that woman. Except the fury which was directed at people who didn't want me in their lives anymore, consumed me instead. I have wasted years, being vengeful, exploding with rage, carrying grudges against every single person, who hadn't behaved the way I wanted them to behave. And that's okay.

Sometimes rage, anger is justified. When you have been treated badly and unkindly by someone, been lied to, been cheated upon, or been oppressed, rage is what comes out.

Anger is a very important indicator to teach you about your own boundaries, to teach you about your threshold for tolerating things, about the things that are absolutely not acceptable to you. It makes you stand up for yourself, it makes you do things that perhaps you could have never done in a calm state of rest. Sometimes turbulence is needed to ruffle things up and bring about a change.

But what is more important, is you getting an insight to the anger, to the pent up frustration, to the feeling of low self worth, and how you choose to channelize it, how you differentiate between the rational and the irrational and choose the things you can work upon, and the things that stand like a rock for you, the principles that you swear by.

I can go on and on about who I was when I was 24. But I would like to concentrate on who I am now.

I am 30. I am a doctor and a published writer, and I earn okay, but not as much as I would like to. I am not worried about that, because I know someday I will. But money is important to me, because as much as we say money can’t buy happiness, you cannot afford most the magical things that you have jotted down in your bucket list, unless you have money.

Okay yes, maybe you don't need shitloads of money( I wouldn’t mind though if I did earn that amount of wealth, I would love it in fact), but you need to be financially secure.

As a woman, who has been married before, and survived on her own money with no help from her husband, I know what money means to me. Money buys me my freedom. I take a breath in, for every rupee that I earn, for it gives me a life on my own terms. I can tell many, many people to just back off from my life because I earn my money. I can dream of the impossible, only because I have the capacity to earn, and fund my dreams.

Why is this practical knowledge important in an answer to a philosophical question about life, and letting go, and forgiveness?

Because your journey begins, the moment you realize you are on your own, and that you have to fend for yourself. That's when you take charge of your life, that's when you stop wallowing in self pity and blaming others, and that's when every single day, you actively choose the things that you want to do, over things that others want you to do. You choose your dreams, even if it means losing people. You choose your peace of mind even when it hurts to be alone. and you learn to say no to things that distract you from your goals and your priorities.

You choose yourself every single day, even though your conditioning tells you its selfish, even though you are not sure if its the right thing to do, and you refuse to give yourself away anymore. Because you realize, that unconditional love, the love you give out to people, no matter how they treat you, or disrespect your boundaries, or you disrespect theirs, is not healthy. The only way you can be there for someone, is when you have learnt to be there for yourself. And that my dear, requires you to say no to a shitload of things.

I have had many wonderful people in my life. I have forged strong bonds with these people, and learnt things that I will never forget for the rest of my life. But I have recognized the need to stop a connection, or distance myself away, whenever it has descended into unhealthy patterns.

That's how I have let go, by taking note of the fact that life is like a tennis match. You can only be on your side of the court and hit the ball, you cannot run to the other side and hit the ball for the other person. You don’t own people, neither do they belong to you. You cannot convince anyone to play the role you have written down for them, they are going to do things that they want to do, and the good news is, many times it will have nothing to do with you.

And let me tell you this…

Its bloody damn, mind numbingly hard. Every time someone you love, admire and are close to, leaves, and you do nothing to stop them, your heart sinks and its excruciatingly painful. But inspite of that, if you manage to make choosing yourself, and your mental health a habit, it gets easier each time, till a time comes, when you don't have to choose anymore.

A time comes when you are surrounded by people who understand where you are in life, and the things that matter to you, the things are important to you.

And its a long journey up till that point, filled with self doubt, and confusing, anxiety ridden moments, filled with loneliness, a journey that requires tremendous amounts of courage and patience.

But that's the only way, you get to, where you dream to be. When every single action of yours, is a conscious step towards the life that you want to live.

I am no life coach of course. I struggle with boundaries everyday. But I can tell you this, being a depression survivor for over 12 years, it gets easier if you keep hanging on. It gets easier when you learn to love yourself and decide to see yourself, the way you want to see yourself, and not adhere, and keep sticking to how others see you, because you are afraid of displeasing them.

As Cheryl Strayed says, Acceptance is a small quiet room.

And Courage is being shit scared of doing the thing that you know is right for you, but doing it anyway, because you need to do it.

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